Hardened Criminal

When I got up this morning I couldn't decide on what I wanted to wear. I knew that it was cold so I put on my only hollister shirt, a sweater, and hung out before heading to Starbucks. When I got to Starbucks I couldn't decide what I wanted to drink. I got a Venti Brewed, and decided that for a change I would put some milk in it. Skim. I then started heading to school. I turned on Moberly, and about halfway down a cop pulled out behind me and I knew that I was fucked.

I was pulled over in the driveway of the church near Sonic, on 18th street, you can see the plaza where Kennedy Coffee is across the street. The cop was cool, had a scar above his left eye and spoke like he didn't know what he was doing.

"Hey man, can I get your license and registration."

"Yeah dude here..."

"Be right back."

"Alright."

I'm calm at this point. I knew that I wasn't speeding, and there isn't anything wrong I can see.

He comes back. "I pulled you over because your tail light is out, but you have two outstanding warrants from 2005, I have to take you in."

I realize my coffee is horrible tasting, it shows on my face. "What? How bad?"

"I'm going to have to take you in."

"Well, Fuck."

"Where were you headed?"

"Philosophy."

"Oh, you might have it with my girlfriend."

"Krueger?"

"I don't know"

I step out of the car and he searches me. I know what this is like, and then I get cuffed and stuffed in his squad car. There are no cushions in the back and I keep sliding around. Coheed and Cambria is playing. I'm not taking this seriously for some reason.

Nothing happens really until the officer gets into the car.

"Alright man, I'm going to have to tow your car okay?"

"Well, no, not really okay, but if you have too haha"

He laughs, I roll my eyes, and he starts talking about music.

"Do you like Dragonforce?"

I think about Dragonforce, and I think about this guy being a psycho cop who does it for the thrill. "Yeah, they're pretty good man, I heard Coheed on here, new album out soon....28th?"

"Heck yeah dude, ever hear the Mars Volta?"

"Yep, more of an At the Drive in fan though myself."

"Never heard of them." He puts on the Mars Volta. I don't know the song because as I said, I am an At the Drive in fan more.

We make it to the base, and this other lady is going his work, and he finger prints me.

"Where do you work?" The rather nice lady cop who's doing his paperwork asks.

"Starbucks." I say in a cheerful tone despite the outlook of everything.

"Oh yeah?! which one..." She is far more excited about it than I thought.

"46th and Walnut, but I am opening the new one near Laquinta."

"Cool, just remember I didn't arrest you when I come in for a drink."

I don't say anything for minute because the guy cop is fingerprinting me. They don't like you having control of your hands during this. That's hard, and takes a lot of concentration.

"Don't worry about it, what do you usually drink?"

"The house, or a latte."

"Tough lady." I comment slightly flirting, even though I'm already arrested by Lieutenant Hero over here. She gives a thumb point to the guy and remarks.

"This guy hates coffee."

I really hate this fucking putz at this point an time. I silently thank the dude that gave him that scar on his eye. I get to sit down. I just sit as they chat to me about Starbucks.

"You guy's will get drinks on me if you come in."

"Really?! Wow...didn't expect that."

I shrug, I throw them a bone. "Bah, you guy's are just doing your jobs."

Unfortunately, your job is to be a jackass.

So this guy, is so lazy that he decides to take me to county so they can hold me, until my parents come rather than stay with me at the department while we wait. So I get cuffed, and stuffed back into the back of the car with no cushions, and we set of f to the county jail. We jam to Dragonforce. He's way too into it.

We get to county and I get passed off to a smaller guy, with a slightly better sense of humor though, to my great surprise...a hick. The first thing I smell when I enter is the stinging wall of human shit. The guy in solitary located nicely beside the intake door has balled his own poop and started throwing it at the window, and rubbing himself down it in.

I get searched, my belt and my sweater taken, along with my shoes and my wallet, and get sent into the booking office. I am so confused as to why I am being booked it's amazing.

Finally after about two and half hours of a bunch of guards uhming and scratching their asses...I get a phone call. I call my father who's first question is rather calm and funny.

"So, why are you in jail?"

"Remember that ticket I got for not having proof of insurance?"

"Yeah..."

"It got way worse that we thought."

"Shit..."

"Call mom, get me bonded and out of here man."

"Alright I will right now, see you in a bit."

I hang up.

2 hours later.

"Bell, lets get you dressed out." This ugly hispanic guard says rather amused with himself. I get up, and start becoming nervous. "Wait? I just talked to my father he is bonding me out today, can't I just sit here?"

"No we need you off the floor, can't be taking up space."

I feel every cell want to kill this idiot. I am the only one sitting there, other than a guy that isn't 'dressed out' and has been there since 7 am.

So I get my prison wear, and I get sent into a private bathroom, and the guard stands there. I am a bit weirded that this cat is about to watch me get naked. So I take it all of, shower, put the new shit on, and get thrown in cell number 7. This is the standard, 6 by 8 foot cell.

The kicker being, there are three people in this cell already, other than myself.

So the first guy to speak is Jamie. He asks me what I am in there for.

"Not paying an insurance ticket."

"That sucks man, get some sleep."

"What're you in here for?"

"Attempted murder, I'm getting transferred soon."

"What!?"

"I stabbed my wife in the neck four times with a screw driver, she deserved it though."

I didn't respond. I think it's understandable as to why, I laid on my mat and tried to sleep.

What could only have been a hour later, Jaime starts snoring like some shoved a bloody kazoo up his sinuses. I thought it was a lipless trumpeter of an 18th century death march, slow, loud, soul quivering. I cannot express how loud it was.

I am there for what feels like five hours, the sound of the south american howler monkey in the room becoming tolerable to my ears as the guard opens up and yells.

"BELL!"

"YEAH!" I am half asleep and I think it's my father for a second.

"You got a visitor, Bondsman."

I got up and waddle in my baggy ass uniform, and the plastic sandals to the window where I pick up the phone, and he does too....just like the movies.

"Wanna get out of jail kid?"

My brain goes haywire, I understand why there is 3 inches of glass between us. I start cursing him 'NO, I WOULD RATHER FINISH MY FUCKING NAP YOU FUCKING FUCK, I WAS HAVING A GREAT DREAM IN THERE WITH THE DUDE THAT TRIED TO OFF HIS WIFE..."

"Yeah man. " I say with a calm face.

"Alright."

He takes my information, and then leaves saying it will be awhile. I'm tired, and obviously unsupervised so I walked back into my cell and try to go back to sleep. Jaime starts talking.

"Bondsman, you out of here man?"

"Yep, what did your wife do?" I had to ask.

"She went crazy, she started writing shit over my face on the family pictures and stuff."

I fucking was blown away that people like this had whole families...the state of the world is a great surprise. I just nodded, and said. "Yeah man, that does fucking suck."

I was cussing more and more. The guards were cussing, the inmates were cussing, it was contagious quickly.

So I get brought out of cell 2 hours later. I think it's two hours. I get sat down, and then come up to get brought out.

"We've found another warrant on you."

"Mother F*cker" I start censoring myself again.

They write me another court date up and I get sat down where I was before, with my paper work, and I have to wait to get my fingerprints done...again...and get my clothes back.

3 hours....later...

I get my clothes, finally, after watching the through incompetence of the guards. I get sent out, and meet my father, and my livid, though calm mother.

My car could not be released because it was impounded and the place closes at 5.


THE END....? hopefully.